If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard “I’m not an angry person” in a therapy session… I’d have quite a few nickels. As a therapist sometimes I want to ask, why not? I think as a society there is a negative connotation around being angry. Anger and aggression have become synonymous with one another. It’s super important to recognize that anger can be a super productive feeling. It’s an instinctual adaptation for us as humans to experience anger and it can provide vital information about our environment and our surroundings.
If you’ve ever watched the movie Inside Out, you’ll recall that anger is this little mad red guy who shoots fire out of his head. What most people don’t pay attention to in the movie is that anger is usually defending anxiety or sadness (more vulnerable feelings). Anger tends to be the take action feeling we have. It says loud and proud “something needs to change!”
Maybe an external situation needs to change. For example, someone needs to stop using or abusing us. Maybe something internal needs to change, like having time to rest, or setting a boundary for ourselves, or maybe finding support for a vulnerable feeling like anxiety or sadness. When we start to look at anger as a productive feeling, we can start to take more proactive action to address it. We leave a job, we end a relationship, we take time for self-care, return focus to our friends or family, we start therapy for ourselves. Anger can be a powerful motivator to get us on the right track in life.
The most important thing to recognize and be aware of when it comes to anger is that it doesn’t need to be aggressive, loud, or scary. Anger doesn’t have to look like traditional anger. Anger can be assertive. Anger can be vulnerable and honest. Anger can be bold. It can take many shapes and none of those need to be harmful to others. How we choose to manage and show our anger lies within our choice of how we choose to use it.
If you’re having a hard time finding ways to manage your anger, or feel like the control doesn’t lie within yourself, know that you are not alone. There are a ton of therapists who can support you with this. Many times, anger is defending anxiety or sadness. Finding a safe place to explore anger as well as other feelings can save relationships, jobs, and help you to feel more confident and in control of your life.
If you’re having a hard time finding your healthy anger, try some exercises like journaling. Ask yourself questions like
-What do I deserve?
-What do I wish I had more control of in my life?
If nothing comes to mind, maybe this blog post isn’t for you and you are already practicing acknowledging and using your anger appropriately.
It’s important that we don’t run from or ignore anger. It is healthy and normal. It can help us have the healthiest relationships, greatest job satisfaction, and overall happiness… IF we tap into it correctly and assert it in a positive manner.
Anger is empowerment. Use it.