Grief sucks. It’s unavoidable and challenging to prepare for. Everyone manages it differently. Some ignore it. Some overtly express it. What I see a lot from clients is there is this unspoken pressure to get over a loss.
As a person who has experienced grief, I think it’s important to normalize that it will never be okay. You will never “get over'' grief. Grief is a feeling that is directly tied to how deep our emotional connection is/was with someone. If we were very close, our grief can be monumental. The reverse can be true if we weren’t close. It can feel like we are being cold if we don’t have grief when someone passes. We can also have a large grief reaction to a loss where maybe we weren’t emotionally close to the person, but we were emotionally invested in some way/shape/form.
There is no one way to grieve. Some may be familiar with the Kubler-Ross Model of grief; that there are 5 main stages. There is debate over the accuracy of this model in the field. My main issues with the stages is that it can give off the expectation of one healthy way to grieve.
There is no one prescribed way to grieve and everyone reacts differently. As a therapist, my main concern is that no one gets hurt (physically or emotionally) in the wake of grief. Some people need others around, some need space for themselves. Some need to talk, some need distraction. Some may need a combo of all of the above. As someone who has lost a loved one, I know I did.
What I didn’t need, were statements like “It’s going to be okay.” or “You’ll feel better eventually.” because, guess what… It's been 6 years since I lost my dad and it’s still not okay that he’s not here and I don’t feel any better that he’s not here. Sure I’m not breaking down sobbing on a daily basis, I’m functioning. I’ve made meaning from the loss and I’m continuing to move forward…. But it still sucks! These kinds of statements invalidate the impact of a loss.
Grief is a worldview shift. We see things one way, there’s a loss, and we never look at the world the same. There is no one way to deal with a shift like that. Allow yourself space, time and compassion. Know that you aren’t going “crazy”. Allow for ups and downs. Finally, know that there is no timeline in “getting over” a loved one.
If all else fails, there are some great grief therapists out there. Find one and utilize those services. I know it made a world of difference for me when I was initially trying to navigate my grief.
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